Could you please pass…
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.” “Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.” “Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)Battle on the Ocean
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, ‘Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?’The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, ‘If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.’ The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Bring me my brown pants!’
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)BUY YUGO WAR BONDS
BUY YUGO WAR BONDSFor $25 US dollars you can invest in the future of a developingcountry just out of the clutches of communism.What your $$$ buyz: Russian ammo for one freedom fighter forone month for the ethnic clensing!Their motto: I wanns be like Ike! A little behind the times, BUT!They model themselves after the US of A.They want to establish a land- first ridding themselves ofundesireables (like the US did against the native inhabitants)Why not? What’s good enough for US is good enuff for them!
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)One of two reasons
I’ve noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to… or they do.
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization… Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)Man Is Like An Automobile
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)Corporate Travel Guidelines
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering “all you can eat” salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, “Red Caps” will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don’t forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse…
Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says, “We’re going to have to do this over and overagain until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says, “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breathnormally.”
Filed under Jokes | Comment (0)Empire State Building
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the . How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
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